He got in the car after the homecoming dance on Friday night. He was quiet on the drive home.
Halfway there he told you what a kid said to him about ballet at lunch. He laughed when he told you because that is what he has learned to do.
You did not laugh. You wanted to drive to that kid’s house. Instead you took your son home. Here is how to think about this without making it worse for him on Monday.
The numbers
Boys make up about 10 to 20 percent of most American ballet studios. The percentage is lower in smaller studios and higher in larger urban studios with established male programs.
This means most boys in ballet experience some level of being the only boy in class or one of two or three. The isolation is real.
It also means that boys who stick with ballet are in demand at major schools and companies. The scholarship money is real. The audition acceptance rates are higher for boys at almost every major intensive. The career path, for the few who reach it, is real.
These are both true. The difficulty is real. The opportunity is also real.
What other kids say
A kid at school said something. It is going to happen. It is going to happen more than once.
The common moves.
Kids ask your son if he is gay because he does ballet. The question is hostile no matter the answer. The implication is that ballet is something a boy should be embarrassed about. He is not, and ballet is not.
Kids tease him about the clothing — tights, leotards, the studio uniform. This is the easiest surface to grab at. Help him separate the costume from the work: the tights are practical for what he does in the room, the same way a wrestling singlet or a swim brief is practical for what those athletes do.
Kids ask why he does not play a real sport. The implicit message is that ballet does not count. The truth is that ballet is one of the most physically demanding athletic disciplines on earth. Male ballet dancers train long hours, build serious strength and stamina, and execute jumps and turns that take years to learn. Ballet is a sport. The teasing is wrong on the facts.
What to say to your son
A few things that help.
Validate what is happening. “Yeah. That is something boys in ballet deal with. I am sorry.”
Do not minimize it. “Just ignore them” is empty advice that teaches him to swallow his feelings.
Give him the language. “Ballet is one of the hardest physical disciplines on earth. The dancers who do it are strong, trained, and disciplined. What you are doing takes years to learn and most kids could not do a single class of it.”
Help him understand what is going on. “Most kids tease about things they have not tried. The teasing is about them, not you. It tells you what they are uncomfortable with, not what is wrong with what you are doing.”
Let him know it gets better. By high school, most kids stop teasing about ballet. Some kids start to be impressed by it. By college, ballet is a credential.
The studio matters
The single biggest variable in whether a boy stays in ballet is whether the studio has other boys.
A boy who is the only male in a studio of 40 girls will feel isolated. Even if he loves the work.
A boy in a studio with five or six other boys, even across age groups, will have a peer group. The peer group changes everything.
If your studio has no other boys, this is worth a conversation with the director. Some studios offer scholarships to recruit boys specifically. Others run boys’ classes that draw boys from other studios to gather as a group.
If your studio cannot offer this, consider switching. The next nearest studio may have a stronger male presence. The drive may be worth it.
Male teachers
A boy in ballet with no male teachers experiences a particular kind of strangeness. All the technique he is learning is delivered by women, in a vocabulary often coded as feminine.
A male teacher even once a week changes the experience. The kid sees ballet as something men do. The corrections sound different in a male voice. The class culture shifts.
Most major studios have at least some male teachers. Ask. If yours does not, again, consider whether the studio is the right one.
Boys’ class
Many studios offer a “boys’ class” or “men’s class” once a week. This is a separate class for male students that focuses on the parts of ballet specific to men: bigger jumps, more athletic turns, and the strength work that supports partnering.
If your studio offers this, take it. Even one boys’ class per week makes a meaningful difference in how your son experiences ballet.
If your studio does not offer it, look at the nearby ballet schools. Some run boys’ classes that draw from multiple studios. Some larger pre-professional schools host weekend boys’ workshops.
The scholarship advantage
A real piece of the male ballet experience is that scholarships are more available.
Major summer intensives often have boys’ scholarship funds specifically designed to recruit male dancers. The audition standards are similar to girls, but the acceptance rate and aid percentage is higher.
Some pre-professional programs offer free or heavily discounted training to qualified male students. The schools know that male dancers are scarce.
If your son is serious about ballet at age 12 or older, ask about scholarship opportunities at every major school he is considering. The financial picture is different for boys.
When he wants to quit
It is going to happen. Some week the social pressure outweighs the love of the work. He will say he wants to quit.
A few moves.
Do not immediately accept the decision. Some kids want to quit on a Tuesday and forget about it by Saturday.
Do not force him to continue if he is genuinely done. Forcing a boy to keep doing ballet when he hates it produces a kid who resents both ballet and his parents.
Ask him to take a one-month break and then reassess. Sometimes a break is the whole answer. Sometimes a break shows him that he misses it.
Ask him to articulate what specifically he wants to stop. Is it the bullying. Is it the classes themselves. Is it the time commitment. Is it the absence of friends in the activity. Each one has a different fix.
If he wants to come back later, the door should be open. Most kids who quit ballet between 12 and 14 do not come back. Some do. Some come back at 16 or 17 after seeing a performance and remembering what they loved.
The longer view
A small number of boys who start ballet at 6 or 7 end up as professional dancers. Most do not. Either way, the years of training shape who they are.
Boys who do ballet learn to use their bodies in public, to take corrections from teachers, to perform in front of audiences, to be part of a tradition that is older than most countries. They also usually learn to be at peace with not fitting the standard mold of boyhood. That last thing is its own gift.
The world is not yet fully kind to boys in ballet. It is more kind than it was 20 years ago. It will probably be more kind 20 years from now. Your son is part of changing that.
Help him stay in. The work will pay him back in ways he cannot see yet.